Monday, January 13, 2014

As We Go Along
My father got a puppy. He couldn't handle not having a dog in the house, and rushed out a mere week after Hades passed. We decided on Igor for the new puppy's name, because of his crazy eyes. It seemed to suit him. Igor is just about the opposite of how Hades was as a puppy, and often is a reminder or how great Hades was, which is both a nice reminder of him but also a sad reminder of what happened. He's a very loving and happy puppy, but days without Hades are still difficult...

It's been one month since my darling boy went...and it feels like so much longer. I stopped caring about a lot of things when he died, and found out who around me actually cared even slightly about me. The results were mixed, some on a kind side and others leaving me with a disgusted feeling.

Hades death was the final straw for me. Being accused of things I haven't done, being treated as if my life is nothing, stupid expectations put on me, others's done. I'm done with it. I regret every moment I left Hades alone because someone else didn't want to smell him, feeling a pain in me for doing so knowing he was alone and sad...I wish anyone else would have died but him. Anyone. Anyone...

The amount of work going on in the sewing room is rather abysmal, and I'm taking a fair bit of time to be selfish, to grieve, and to try making Igor feel secure and at home here. Dogs give so much love, they deserve to feel it in return.

I don't know where things will go...I just don't know any more...and I don't even care.