Thursday, November 28, 2013

November Nothings

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The holiday decorations have started to come out of the closets. Boxes of boxed ornaments are probably my favourite. The fact that some of those old boxes have survived as long as they have is something amazing in itself. Not to mention the old fashioned graphics and overall style of them, or the lack there of in some cases. It's interesting how some things survive so long, and others not at all.

I've been so listless lately, and my mind wandering and flipping all around. I want to get so much done, and yet can't bring myself to near enough accomplished. I could easily spend the entire day laying in bed sleeping, or laying around staring blankly at shiny ornaments. The worst part is when the only thing you look forward to in the day is the moments when you feel angry, because they make sense, and put even the slightest drive into you. I may do some of my best work when I feel angry and unsure like that.

While I stress and regret about my current housing situation a lot, I must admit I feel quite grateful to still be living with my Dad and not having rushed into moving with anyone. In time I will save, and I will have my own home, and it will be on my terms. It will be my own accomplishment, and something that is all mine. Listless as I may be, it is that which I need to focus on to stay sane.

November is coming to an end...Good riddence.
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Friday, November 22, 2013

My Everything

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The winter carries on, with the mercury going up and (sometimes way) down, much like my emotions these days. It seems in one day I can go through a just about every emotion and do it all over the next. I end up just wanting to sleep through the day. Even better would be to sleep through the winter like a bear, and wake up in the spring when the weather is something to enjoy.

I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning...I think I could honestly sleep through the day. By sleep I mean that I "fall" asleep, then wake up just about every hour bothered by my own thoughts. Hades is about all I have to get up for. If he wasn't here and didn't have to go out the day would likely be wasted

Hades is a funny little guy. He loves to be close, but he isn't a snuggler. I suppose that's my fault though. When he was a pup he was sleeping on my bed and, well I often move around a lot in my sleep and I suppose I bumped or annoyed him. He woke up and since he was too little to jump off the bed himself he started to howl. My Dad came and took him off the bed while I slept through all his noise, and since then has slept on the floor (or his many beds) near the bed.

Every weekday I walk to the post office to get and send the mail. Usually he comes along, but when it gets to be too cold in the winter he has to stay home for about fifteen minutes at most. Well let me tell you, as I'm walking back up the street I can hear him howling and crying as he sits at my bedroom window at the front of the house. As soon as I get near enough that he can see me again, it goes quiet. He runs down to the door to greet me with tail wags going so fast that it almost is still. It's hard to explain, but it's funny.

It kills me when he's feeling bad, and while his howling and crying while I'm gone can be slightly funny, it also hurts me to know he feels so sad and alone. I feel lucky to work at home and know that he will feel like that as little as possible. He really is the best part of my life...I think I could almost say he's the most genuine companion I'll ever have...

Life may feel awful now, but it makes me all the more grateful that he's here to see me through it.

Here's to you, pal!
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Thursday, November 14, 2013

Priority

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A light snow fell today, just enough to replace what melted during the beautiful spring day (5 Celsius) we had yesterday. The temperature was still mild again today, giving a good reason to spend just a little time outside snapping photos and running around with Hades. Uneventful, really.

I'm working on getting my priorities figured out, very slowly trying to make myself okay during these circumstances. To start I'm trying to get a steady flow of sewing projects done for the shop and in turn (hopefully) a more steady income. Right now this is top priority and the sooner I can get this together, the sooner I can do what needs to be done.

Once a steady flow of work and income has become regular I can start to think about not only putting money towards my house savings, but also shop around for the right vehicle. As someone who very rarely drives, I don't need anything expensive or too particular...though if it should happen to be a Tracker in decent shape, that would be pretty ideal for my needs. That's some ways away yet, so best not to think too much on it yet.

Now if only I could get an uninterrupted, good nights sleep...

I feel like screaming...
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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Regret

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Childish as it may seem, I often think about packing up and leaving when no one is around. Finding somewhere that I can buy a cheap house/building, move into it, and make it my own. Leave everything that bothers me behind and not say a word to anyone about it. Finally move away from my Dad's house, get away from family drama, get away from a relapsing boyfriend, finally have a place to call my own, and be able to just worry about myself and what I can handle.

For years I've been dreaming about buying a house, and was quite a good saver before three years ago. Actually, I had saved up quite a bit and if I'd continued on that path over these three years, I'd have a whole lot of options right now. There is so much that I regret right now, so much to wonder about...how things would have been different. To think about how much less stressful life would be right now if I had just stuck on that path, and how much further ahead my life would be. Three years behind...

Even if things improve, how long will it last for? If not for certain circumstances, all that is going on would have likely started a long time ago. Even it ends how long until it starts again? How much of this can I stand? Then the fact that in order for everything to stop something truly awful will likely have to happen...I can't go through that again. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Perhaps if I start accepting things and grieving now it won't hurt so much later...

At least this time those around me know what's going on, and have been supportive. It's nice to know there's people to talk to, and they know to not be as hard on me considering what's going on. Why do I let myself be put through this?

Song of the day...

Monday, November 11, 2013

Cold

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Fall is gone, along with some other things. It's frozen and dead outside, the only thing making it bearable is the lovely layer of frost that masks all of the dead. That too will be gone in no time...

Brown, grey, black, and white. The snow will get old, very fast. Spring feels so far away...

This has been running through my head all day. Beautiful. It is a beautiful, yet sad day. "Just for one day"...
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Saturday, November 9, 2013

Me, Myself, and I

Things have not been right around here for a while. I felt it, and deep down knew something was wrong, but I tried to push it back and hope perhaps it was just my over thinking, hoping it was wrong.

Yesterday our winter officially started. I woke up to the ground covered in white and it looks like it's here to stay. A long winter is ahead...and that's not the only thing making things ahead look bleak. I feel sick just thinking about what is happening and what is likely to happen. I don't want to let go, but it feels like the last three years of my life were a lie, a big waste. I threw away so much in the last three years and I'll never get that back. So many dreams wasted, so much time, so much everything.

I won't keep things bottled up again, no lying for someone else’s sake, no being manipulated, and certainly no believing the excuses. There's so much to prepare for, it feels like a whirlwind of feelings. My stomach feels sick just thinking about everything. This sort of stress is not a friend.

There may be a problem with my eyes...it's something I've been stressing about for over a month now, which actually can make it worse. My life is very visual and to think about life possibly without sight is downright scary to me. While I know there are many treatments and it's early, it's still affecting me. To add to everything lately Hades had started getting sick, making me feel just about the worst that I could. After taking him to the vet it was, thankfully, resolved and he is doing fine now. He is back to his old sweet self and that's the one thing I have to feel better about through all of this.

All that I can do now is focus on myself. Focus on getting on track. Focus on my goals. Focus on my shop. I have goals and dreams, they shouldn't have to take a back seat to someone else’s problems. Problems that aren't mine, or apart of me. There is only so much a person can handle and this one is nearing her end.

Things desperately need to change, and that isn't going to happen until I push myself forward...