Friday, July 29, 2011

Take A Moment

Unlike the past few years, the dragonfly population has exploded. On my walks (to the post office...) I can often feel the dragonflies hit my lower legs as they fly off the ground. It actually makes me smile. Almost all of the dragonflies I see here are an orange sort of colour and shiny. You can hear the sound of their wings all around when you're outside and they have obviously been keeping the mosquito population down, which you have to be pretty thankful for.

As always, I have been keeping up with my garden and just the other day I discovered a "female flower" starting on one of my pumpkin vines. So at 6 AM this morning I got up (I wasn't asleep yet anyways...) and made sure to pollinate it. I am determined to get a pumpkin out of this crop. With any luck the little bulb will start to grow into a recognizable pumpkin.

On the artistic side of my life I have started a mini "art journal". My journals have always ended up just being odd pieces of emotional art, so I thought, why don't I just make an art book with nothing but my emotional pieces? I have yet to make up a small binder to keep them in but I've worked up about five pieces finished already. Things have been quite productive here, it's been making me feel quite good actually.

There really is so many things to look forward to in life, you know? Sometimes I don't understand how so many people can only look at the negatives and get themselves down so much. If they stopped and looked at the nice things in life, even the little things like a sunny day...I don't want to think about anything negative anymore. Good things will outweigh the bad.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Flora Dora

For years these flowers have been growing in the old garden beds in the front of our house, and I don't really know what they are. They are quite interesting though, especially before they open, they're almost...rolled up. Really interesting. Perhaps I will have to do some searching around to find out more about these guys.

If you may have guessed, I am indeed trying hard to distract myself with things like this. Today wasn't the best day, we'll say that much. I'm not really sure what to say about it all really...It's nice to be able to write about everything here though. Really, blogs are great for getting your feelings out, sharing what you think, your life...without having to actually have contact with anyone specific. You can share yourself with the blog world, and someone out there will be reading it. It's a great way to get your message out...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Message To Sender

Cup O' Colors

I feel uneasy tonight. Last night I didn't get a lot of sleep, instead staying up and watching seemingly non-stop lightning. It was like a strobe light, extreme lightning. Lots of rumbling thunder, and random bursts of extreme wind. Now I do like a good thunder storm...but I just can't stand the wind, and when it gets extreme. I have a slight paranoia about tornadoes, even to the point of not being able to watch them on tv without having nightmares...which I did have quite often when I was younger.

When the storm seemed like it was calmed and perhaps over, it would suddenly start all over again, with wind switching directions. This continued on over and over and over. Once I finally got to sleep, I woke up a few hours later to more of it...and again later. I then had to wake up for a phone meeting...yes, I had a phone meeting. Weird. Needless to say, it was a fairly restless night for me.

On a seperate note, I started making paper mache masks for this years coming amazing festivities. By that, I mean Halloween. Now normally I leave my mask and costume making until much later than I'd like, but this year I'm planning early. Halloween feels like one thing I can really look forward to, something I can focus myself on. I pulled out what is left of my paint, and paintbrushes and worked up one mask already. It's not completely finished, I still have to seal it up, but otherwise it's one down. More sewing projects are being done, masks started, Halloween excitement building...perhaps some things are looking up.
The paint brush holder...it's been used as such for as long as I can remember...

Monday, July 18, 2011

Ship Shape

It. Is. Hot.

Like a great many of places around, it has been sweltering hot here and is supposed to be even hotter tomorrow. Goodness me...Now I'm generally pretty tolerant of hotter weather, I usually get so cold fast, but today just feels different. I absolutely hate this sweaty, humid feeling. The main floor of our house is actually quite cool, but upstairs (where my work room happens to be) is absolutely boiling. At a time of 7:20 pm the sun has just been covered over with clouds and a less than ridiculously hot breeze is finally coming in.

With all of this heat I don't get any work done during the day, then at night there has been these absolutely insane little, I guess, fruit flies that can fit through the screens in the windows. To prevent them you have to turn off the lights, which means no work gets done then either. I've been trying to trudge along through it, but after breathing in a few of those little bugs up my nose...ugh, just awful. I suppose the one upside of the heat is that it's been a great distraction from other more serious, rather depressing thoughts. So despite my complaints, I guess I have to say thank you to the sun.

Now for these photos. I had found this old print of a ship in the attic at our old hotel just before we had sold it. I love the aged patina of it...I'm hoping to find more framed works that have a similar old patina to go with it. Sometimes I just can't understand what draws me to things that are so worn, neglected, or damaged...

On a final note, I was thinking it might be rather fun to pick up some small, aged, round photo frames for some little art pieces. Have the old look I like, but with something of my own. With the lack of garage sales as of late I wonder if I'll actually find anything before the snow falls. Time will tell.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Lazy Lily

Another post with flowers? Yessir. I do say, this year I've been absolutely taken over by the flowers. Now if only I had more of a green thumb and could grow more varieties. As of right now all the flowers in the yard have just been growing there for years, as long as I can remember.

On a plant topic, my garden seems to be doing okay right now. My pumpkins are getting bigger, the corn is growing taller, and more sunflowers continue to pop up. I also planted carrots, beets, and dill which are all doing just fine and I'm certainly excited for when I can pull something tasty out of there to eat. Is there anything better than garden vegetables? With last years pumpkin patch being such a disappointment I'm really hoping at least one of the things I planted will work out for me...preferably the pumpkins, hehe.

I'm happy to say that the weather here has been hot and fairly rain free lately, which is rather refreshing. As much as I love rain and having an excuse to use one of my umbrellas, it's nice to finally have a warm summer, more like what I remember when I was a young one. Let's hope it stays, my garden will be quite thankful for it.

Distracting myself with the warm weather, flowers, and my garden has been nice...but I still just don't feel right. It feels like there is so much uncertainty and I'm not sure what to do about anything anymore. I've actually been getting more work done than I have in a long time, but I still can't help but be uninspired a lot. When things seem bleak, I just can't get excited by a lot of projects. Well...anyways, gardens, flowers, and warm weather a'hoy!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Round, Round We Go

"Once upon a time, you were a friend of mine We used to sing songs, all night long And I trusted you, everything you said was true Now I can't get through to you, something's wrong"
-Trooper, The Thin White Line

I haven't been to the fair in a few years now. As much as I love the lights, the colors, the cotton candy and popcorn delights I just hate the crowds. I went to the fair yesterday with my father because Trooper was playing, Dad always liked Trooper, and I grew up listening to their Hot Shots album, which now resides in my little stack of old records.

Dad and I got to the fair about half an hour early, I snapped a few photos...but I just couldn't get into it. There were too many people there for my liking and I just found myself wishing I was at home staring at the ceiling. The show was okay, though the sound seemed funny and there was a spot in the middle of it where it was actually a little boring. Overall though, I suppose it was fine, heard some classics and on my way out I picked up a bag of cotton candy.

The bag of cotton candy sits on the desk next to me, barely touched. You know, as much as I adore candy...I actually don't eat that much of it. I love how fun and whimsicle candy themed things are, but I really prefer not to eat it much. Ahh, well.

After recent events, I'm not sure why, but I decided to finally get a cell phone. Nothing fancy, but it does have a cute little keyboard on it. Instantly I got the best ringtone ever - The Monster Mash. Yes, I'm the coolest. Though I never actually get any calls it'll be fun to hear that tune on the rare chance a call comes my way.

Where I was going with this post, I don't know. My head feels just about all over the place...and yet going nowhere at all. I'll leave it at that...Oh, and once again...no Caramilk bar for me...damn my poor memory.

Friday, July 8, 2011

What's Next?

I made elephant ears on Monday night. It may be the last time I make them, not because they were bad, difficult to make, or others didn't like them. They will just make me think of that night, the events that took place. I can't believe that even happened, it seems almost unreal, like a scene from a crazy movie. I never realized how bad things could get...

Tomorrow Trooper is playing at a nearby fair. I'm still not sure if I actually want to go, but then I think maybe getting out, going somewhere like that and surrounding myself with unfamiliar sights may be what I need right now. I suppose I can bring my camera with me, after all I'm always looking up carnival photos online thinking how much fun they always seem to be, it would be great to have some of my own.

I don't even know what to say anymore. So much is going through my head and I can't figure out what's going on, what will happen, what I want, and what needs to happen...I never thought my life would be this confusing.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Not So New Blue

I am so tired of wishing things would be different.
I'm done enabling this.
I'm sick of remembering how great things were before it started.
I will do more for just myself from now on.
I refuse to be some sort of toy and nothing more.
I should not be treated as if I don't matter and that it's okay to keep hurting me.
I cannot keep doing this.
You have a problem.

Chipped blue paint on an old, weathered picnic table. My love of neglected, worn, unloved things grows...I feel for them.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Letters & Lies

rem·i·nisce
[rem-uh-nis]
–verb (used without object), -nisced, -nisc·ing.
to recall past experiences, events, etc.; indulge in reminiscence.

I guess I have been doing a lot of it lately, but how can I not? Is that not what everyone does when things in their life are going on, making them feel utterly miserable, recall the times that once made them happy? Recall those times and torture yourself in wondering how things could have changed, where you went wrong, what you could have done different...but knowing nothing now can change it.

Lately I have been reading through old letters. Letters that feel like they are from a million years ago, from someone else...I can't believe how much has changed. I thought you would be that person forever, I thought you wanted to be better than this...Someone who cared, tried to be understanding, tried to be loving, considered others feelings, someone who...tried. I give up, just like you did a long time ago.

I feel like being selfish, as selfish as those around me. I'm going to save my money again, something I haven't done in what feels like forever. I want a house, and I will get it. Right now, I think I will buy a new pair of shoes...since my flats and boots have taken a turn for the worse recently...

Some day I will look back at this post and probably feel bad about it. Not right now though, not right now. Self indulgence here I come.